Tugging on Superman’s Cape

This article originally appeared in the December 2025 issue of Gabster Magazine. Check out Elephants and Tea and Cactus Cancer Society and consider them in your end of year giving. While some of the content is specific for cancer survivors, the themes are universal!

Putting on a good face. Going along. Not rocking the boat. The power of white coat. These ideas keep us in a place where we’re not really listening to ourselves. 

How do we hear and listen to our internal wisdom? Developing boundaries. Holding boundaries.  Having boundaries! With families and in close friendships and at work. These can be hard to maintain and hold at any time.

While living with cancer and the unpredictable long-term management it demands, holding and maintaining boundaries become more important than ever.

Let’s take the holidays, for example. Your family may or may not expect you to be where they are or to be with them no matter what might be happening in your treatment or post treatment life.

However the people you love and who love you are responding, whatever they’re saying, whatever their expectations are, these are reflections of them, not you.  These are their expectations, not yours. 

While it may come to feel like it’s your responsibility to manage it for them, it’s not. This does not even belong to you. 

Anne Lamott says no is a complete sentence. 

It’s okay to say no even if you’ve never said no. Even if you’ve never said no in your life to those lovely, expectation-saturated people in your life. 

Today is a great day to start testing the water on how you can say no. You can start with something small.

My friend, Jan, years ago, talked about how she didn’t have enough time, and she had a hard time saying no. As a joke, I said I’ll start leaving you outrageous requests that you must say no to. I’ll make these up so that you can practice saying no. 

So, I called her and I said Jan, I found a litter of puppies by the side of the road. Can I bring them to your house? 

She hesitated. I said Jan, the answer is no! 

She said but they’re puppies. 

I said they’re fake. Say no!

Saying no is not selfish. It is allowing for what is best for you. 

This may feel like you’re “going against;” this could be the “establishment,” and you decide what the establishment is. The way your own family system has always been. Not ever saying no to your parents. Always going along. Doing what they want you to do whether you wanted to do it or not or whether it’s authentic for you or not. 

The stakes are higher now as you manage life with cancer.

It doesn’t mean that those lovely, expectation-saturated people don’t mean well. I feel certain that they do. I feel certain that they want to spend every second they can with you, with everything feeling as normal or back to normal as possible because they’re scared. And that’s okay. They get to be scared. You get to be scared. You also get to ask for what you want.

So go ahead, tug on Superman’s cape. Pull the mask off the Lone Ranger. Blaze new boundaries. Remember: this is a practice.

You may think oh boy, where do I start? This is where you bring in the friends you are absolutely yourself with. Pay attention to the things that feel like yes. Pay attention to what feels like no. 

The no reasons at this starting place are not important right now. Maybe you say no because you’re tired, because something else needs your attention (like rest) or some sacred alone time.

My friend, Carissa, taught me about a bed party. She gets in bed with her tea, her phone, her iPad, her knitting, her books and her journal. She has all the things around her and then she stays there for as long as she wants. 

If somebody calls you, and you’ve made an exquisite, glorious, luscious, delicious plan like this one, and the caller is someone you really enjoy and you get a little bit of FOMO, I encourage you to keep the boundary of what you set out to do for yourself because some part of your being is messaging loudly. 

This is what you need right now. This is what you want right now. If you do, I think you will learn what a gift it is to hold the boundary. Not about hurting someone else’s feelings. About not hurting your own feelings. You deserve to come first.

Reschedule with the person who called. Ask for an alternative. Or just ask for a rain check. And then if you really mean it, follow up.

Your terms. This isn’t about fighting. It’s about respect and understanding that your decision may not be one that your loved ones want. That’s okay. You will be living authentically. You will be choosing you. First.

It’s a heavy load to carry around worrying about disappointing others. We swallow down a lot. We stuff down our own desires. It is to the detriment of our own healing and self-care. It is not selfish. It is a practice to do this differently. Know that you won’t do it perfectly right the first time you do it. It will feel awkward. You might bumble along. That’s all normal. Just start. For you.

Try this:

• What’s one thing you might be able to choose for yourself and make yourself the priority (number one) today? 

• How does it feel to consider placing yourself first?

• Describe a time you had a self-care date (and if this is a new concept, make a wish list).