Heart Strings
This time of year can be supercharged with emotion. Expectations to be merry, to find just the right present, to be a consummate host, to have what the commercials sell us to want. What a tremendous amount of pressure!
It can also be a time of year when grief washes to shore like a patient wave. In my work with young adult cancer survivors, they may hear statements that are some version of “are you all done with that now?” The Cancer Patient on Instagram has example after example of this in an irreverent, humorous and real way.
When I think about how we can respond from and be in a heart-centered place, here are a few ideas which surfaced. In the movie Funny People, Eric Bana’s character states “underneath anger is hurt but underneath hurt is love.” In the comedian Jake Johannsen’s special This Will Take about An Hour, he describes his grieving process after a breakup from a relationship where he thought he was going to marry the person. He talks about walking around his house “in my underwear, smoking cigarettes and eating chicken pot pies” for a period of time. After more time, he experiences a moment that feels like becoming aware. He puts out his cigarette and asks “where are my pants?” In the song It’s Alright by Big Head Todd and the Monsters, a line offered is “sometimes you gotta think about the things you're gonna love.”
What do these have in common and how is the heart involved? Eric Bana has been ready to go to fisticuffs with Adam Sandler over a woman they both love. He stops and reframes in the moment. The “where are my pants” moment is a sign of healing. This person has shifted to a different place; awareness like waking up has returned. Thinking about what we’re going to love brings in choice - something all three of these share. We have a choice. We can pause. We can wait to react even if the desire to - shall we say - illuminate - another person is quite strong.
Why do this? If we stay angry and want to go fisticuffs, that is a state that ultimately is the most harmful to ourselves. When we’re able to remember the love-under-hurt-under-anger space with love being the center, when we’re able to take a breath and pull on our pants one leg at a time, when we’re able to remember we have choices, we can hope for the best for others and for ourselves. Genuinely.
Try this:
Create your own version of The Swivel this holiday season. It is a pro move that takes the conversation in a different direction - one you lead. If you do this, write about how it went and how it felt.
Think about the “have to” vs. the “want to” approach to your time. Do you really have to go to the same gatherings as always? Do you want to? Spend time in your journal writing about (1) if you go to those or (2) you choose not to. How does it feel in each scenario? What feels better? Is it possible to take a step in that direction?
Let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear from you!